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I'm struggling to remember anything about Saturday, it went by in a blur. Let it be noted that my mother stopped speaking to my father by the time we got to the rendez-vous point, Delicious called in a very calm state of not-panic to say he'd been swept off into another state due to bad traffic and construction and didn't know if he could get back to Virginia, let alone to the venue, in time, and the kid spilled hot chocolate all over his pants before we got to Glen Gardens. I refused to let my mom's crazy ruin my mood; ditto weird traffic and hot chocolate. Delicious actually arrived at our appointed Starbucks in time to race to Glen Gardens if we'd wanted to hit it, but I'd already spoken to Bonnie, who assured me everything was fine, their noon wedding had canceled, so we had plenty of time and to just get there safe.  So he got a chance to catch his breath, so to speak, while I dabbed at hot chocolate that miraculously hadn't soaked into his pants and came out like it had never happened, and well... there's nothing I can do about my mom.

Bonnie and Dick were wonderful, their Glen Gardens wedding venue was so charming and perfect.... I got big hugs from them, strangers both. I wasn't at all nervous, I was so ready for this.  Got dressed in their little lovely dressing room, hung the pearls around my neck (Delicious's Christmas present to me last year) and mom did up the zips and snaps of my dress. Bonnie came in and the three of us chatted for five minutes until I finally declared we should get this road on the show.

The cottage was just lovely, and our kids looked so beautiful. Dick began the ceremony but Bonnie interrupted, insisting that there be music. She fiddled with the stereo, which by the way took its sweet time working... we were finally ready to get married and all I can remember was looking into Delicious' eyes, willing him not to let those tears well up and over, or I wouldn't be able to keep from crying. As it was, I just stood there grinning like an idiot, marveling at the beauty of the ceremony and the vows we exchanged.

The photos are up on Facebook, if you don't have me over there, look me up. Comments are screened just in case you don't know my real name and need it.


Dec. 12th, 2010 11:23 pm
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We were married on Saturday, after a close call on Delicious' part with bad traffic sweeping him into the wrong state.

The ceremony was lovely, the vows perfect. Delicious was closer to tears than I.

More when I'm on a real computer.

Suffice to say, I'm happy.
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Our two families will be getting married on November 20th.  

Delicious came over last night after a long day at work and we puttered, drinking some wine while i finished the delicious pork loin roast I'd been marinating.  I told him I had decided we'd get married on December 18 and his reaction was less than enthusiastic: "We have to wait that long?"
Seems he had his sights set on getting married before Thanksgiving, so we could go to his folks as a fait accompli. Considering, however,  that tickets to visit said folks for Thanksgiving will run us around 2k, I don't think the Kid and I will be joining them in 29 Palms.  I just can't leave my son behind to go meet the new in-laws. it's just not right. I'll talk to KoE about it, though.  Maybe he doesn't want to spend six hours on a plane for a three hour time difference to hang out with total strangers for a day or two. ;)

Over dinner last night, Delicious told me he'd finally broken all the news to his daughter K, that we were planning to get married in the next couple of weeks, and wanted a ceremony for just the four of us, to become a family, and then a church wedding in the summer. She was really happy, and asked him if she could start telling people now. Her mom? No, not really. Her FRIENDS. 

I like this kid. Apparently, she did a book report last week that brought the house down. The teacher actually said it was the best book report he'd seen.

I'm stressed about money, spending on odd things like a wedding ring for my fiance, tickets to the Christmas Revels, etc.  Doesn't look like there's much proofing/editing on the horizon, either. I'm stuck in a well of apathy that I hope a trip to the prescribing doctor can patch up.  Doesn't help that I'm on day six of excruciating back pain.  But having my Delicious back at my side after a week of being apart was a wonderful thing. 

I spent an hour and a half yesterday with a woman going for her doctorate in shrinkage, and we talked about the KoE. I've got evaluation forms to fill out, and on Friday he spends three hours with her doing diagnostics, with a two-hour stint the following Friday.  I want to know why he doesn't transition, and how we can help him. This is going to break me, financially, but I have to do it. Wait til I have to pay court costs and maybe give the Asshole Client his $500 back. I can't afford this, even with two incomes.
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I've got tabs open all over the place. Wedding rings. Dresses. Inns in Virginia, though RWKN is trying to convince me to elope in North Carolina.  And suddenly this swoopy feeling zings around my insides.  This is so right. 

Had another great cuppa with my dad. I love to make him laugh. I surprise him a lot, because he spent a lot of time dismissing me for lack of common ground, so he thought. But I'm not liberal when it comes to money and gummint in my business. I just want human beings to give each other and the world a fair shake.If my easy client goes back into government after the elections next week, I can either convince him to take me to the Hill -- where I'll still make him look good -- or my dad will we hope take over his clients and I'll go to work with my dads. And dammit, I'd like that. 

I finally had to call my mother this afternoon and admit to being in a state of panic over the next few days.  Tomorrow I'm setting up a picnic for KoE's class while they do a field trip to a city garden, then running up to Baltimore to check on a problem with the house there with Delicious.  Thursday AM I go grocery shopping with Mom for our two and a half days in the Catoctins with da Kid, and then we drive up to Thurmont VA when school's out on the half day.

So I'm already frazzled Somewhere in there I have to do about eight hours of work, and not a chance in hell of doing any of it.
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Delicious is in Seattle tonight, and we chatted while he waited for his dinner to be served.

We're both impatient to get married, stop all the wondering and waffling and doubt and just do it. A simple JoP doesn't float his boat, he wants it to be meaningful. Can we include the kids? He doesn't want my parents at the JoP because his parents wouldn't be able to be there. "How about Vegas?" he said. "We could find somewhere somewhat tasteful in Vegas? Although the words 'tasteful' and 'Vegas' don't go together at all, do they?"

"Gretna Green," I said, with a laugh. He didn't get the reference, stuck in his memory on a street in a planned subdivision. "Where all the naughty Victorian girls ran off to elope.  But they had to make it to Gretna Green, first..."

He wondered about a cruise wedding... and then his dinner came. He charged me with doing a little Interneting to see what might come up.

Bingo. Virginia is for lovers. One can very easily elope in Virginia, and there is some beautiful country here, no matter the weather. A long weekend in Virginia and I come back a Mrs.

Now, if only I could find someone to sublet a fully furnished apartment through the summer...
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Pardon the minutae of the day, if I don't write it down, tomorrow it will be gone. It's frightening to lose so much of oneself in the blink of an eye. And so I write as often as I can. It's a digital life, some detail is lost in the algorithm of writing it down, but it's better than nothing.

Thursday morning -- or was it Wednesday night?-- driving along with Delicious, he mentioned his plan... his car lease is up next year, and he is thinking of buying an inexpensive, larger car and probably leasing another sedan. I hate the fact that our married life will force me from a no-car life to a two-car family, but with two kids in two different counties, and a husband to be who travels at least one week of the month, I'm going to need my own wheels. It's going to change my life so much. I'm not necessary thrilled. But there will be freedom, no matter where we live, so that is a comfort. I don't have to stick to a place near the Metro.

Friday night, I picked up my spindle, grabbed a bag of roving, and learned how to use a drop spindle. I get it, now, one length and every thickness from bulky to fingering later. I love it. If I didn't have three sweaters to finish before Christmas, I'd be spinning like a nut. The Romney is natural, with a good bit of lanolin and only a stray bit of hay.

I went to the Kid's flute practice for orchestra Saturday. He'll get the hang of it eventually, and man, I hope he figures out how to pay attention some day. Still, he enjoys it and the teacher thinks he's a hoot, so all is well. We talked to a family of three, one girl in his class with two adorable little siblings who were all over the King of Everything like feathers on a goose. Littler kids love him. He's very kind to them.

As soon as I'd given the kid off to his paternal grandfather for a day at the Science and Technology show on the Mall, I went home, crawled into bed, and didn't wake up til it was time for him to come home. Consequently, I don't feel like kaka. A big plus for someone who thought she was going to have to crawl down the street to the Lutheran church for last rites.

Today was a hectic day. Started off with the KoE Skyping with his French grandmother (AKA Wicked Witch of Paris) and that always makes me nuts. I'm mostly immune to her now, but to sit there and pretend there's nothing wrong, her son isn't a git, she's not a nutcase, and I'm not wishing I'd never have to speak to any of them is rather exhausting, non? Apparently, she's well enough now to brave an intercontinental journey, and wants the KoE's 'schedule' so she can make plans. I suppose it would be quite amusing to be able to tell her, "Oh, you can stay at my apartment while you're here... you see, I'll be married and the place will be empty and we'll all be in Alexandria so have fun while you're in town buh-bye!" But I haven't told my son's father yet, and in all fairness, I think he should know before his mother does. I'm not sure why. The father, of course, was unavailable to speak to his son today at their scheduled time. Another nail in his paternal coffin, I'd say. The KoE hardly blinks, anymore. But I did ascertain that said sperm donor is attempting to be a... wait for it... BLACKSMITH. I can imaging his parents are HORRIFIED, sitting in their multi-million dollar apartment in the 16th arrondisment, with all the august pedigree of the step-father and the oh so dubious reputation of the mother swathed in gilt and lies... their son? a common blacksmith? but wait. It gets better. They paid for him to take some six-week course in ornamental blacksmithing, so he can now make fences and etc. etc. I would be happy for him if it weren't some big scam. Though to think on it, his girlfriend is lucky. There's not much chance he'll meet another woman at work to abscond with like he usually does. He's now living with her in whatever the equivilent of Bumfuck is in France. Maybe he'll stay with his former mistress by default?

But I digress. Off the phone with the WWoP, off to the subway with us to meet Delicious and K near their house. I'd misread the advertising and no, the harvest festival at Mount Vernon was NOT free, so we went to a church pumpkin sale instead. Picked out pumpkins for the kids to carve, and went to the grocery store for lunch fixin's. I made sloppy Joes and apple turnovers NOM. The kids bickered and played together. Delicious watched his football in relative peace. And then we got all pumpkin-gutsy in the back yard carving big pumpkins who were eating little pumpkins. KoE had a total meltdown because K wouldn't let him play games on her iPod Touch. Home. Dinner. Homework. Sleep. The end.
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I couldn't sleep last night. Something about an itchy kid in my bed and a restless worried brain combined for clock-watching.
Except I'm smart and don't have a clock in my room.

Memories and thoughts are becoming increasingly tied to a physical sensation, an idea of mass, an envisioned shape and form. It's weird, but I'm trying to work with it. Anything that helps me remember more and think more clearly is OKAY by me. But it's strange to be arrested in mid-stride by a very faint scent in your office building lobby that feels entirely out of place, and brings echos of a past that cause me to start groping around in my labyrinthine brain for a match. The Soviet Union. 1985. A museum? It smells like the USSR. I stand in two realities, present and past, and I am bewildered.

So it was last night. Probing a thought with a physical presence full of unvoiced words, emotions; defined boundaries for an unshaped content and my mind groped and fitted words and sensations against the edges, matching feelings to the contours of a realization on the brink of revelation...

this relationship, this union I have chosen to make, is a wonder to me. I could see the two of us, connected by a bridge called Marriage. Separate yet together, with a means to cross the chasm when harmony is discord, with infinite places to go along a single continuum when exploration and personal quests call. Always knowing the way back, even when the way forward stretches with infinite, unknown possibility. I know that even when things are at their toughest for the two of us, as things will inevitably become from time to time... when perhaps the two individuals we are become entirely at odds with one another, I won't be afraid. I'll lean on the bridge and trust it to lead me back to the place I want to be most, at his side, back to back when we must rally our defenses and face to face when we need to replenish our hearts, hand in hand to share in life's joys--even the most mundane--and in each others' arms in happiness and grief.

I lay on my back in the dark and explored this bridge, its strength, its resilience, its brilliant engineering. We've been building it for such a long time, and we've done our work well.
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Tonight, he took my hand and examined the ring for a moment. "It gets smaller every time I look at it," he grumbled.

WTF?  He bought it, he knows what size that diamond is!!! It's beautiful, its shiny, it's well-proportioned for my hand and I love it. I know he's one of those guys who shows his love in action, not words, but I doubt he'd find a rock big enough to say it in diamonds.  It's perfect. Don't upgrade it, boy!
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I'm losing hope that I'm the kind of add that can be medicated to aid focus. I think I'm just FUBAR on this one.  The latest med, Strattera, makes me miserable.  I didn't even wait to ask my doc's permission before I just stopped taking it. UGH. Next, i guess.  But if I can't find a medication that helps manage the chaos of my thoughts, I am going to be useless in an office situation. USELESS.

I am trying to establish an independent contracting sort of lifestyle for myself. God knows I've been happier and calmer since I got canned.  So if you know anyone who needs a content/blog writer, web design or project management, internet online nonprofit communications messaging and strategy type person, let me know.

I've got the go-ahead on the Way Cool Website. not a lot of money but at least it's a really great portfolio piece.  I just have to find more work. And that's difficult. I don't know where to start--a common lament in my ADD panicked head.

I've been eating nothing but bread.  Have to stop that addiction or I'll weight 160 again. Need exercise. need peace. Need my life to make sense.

I think I've had three or four vertigo attacks since I landed in hospital.  Friday night my stomach was miserable, and continued to decline on Saturday.  By the time I got into the car with Delicious, I was seriously ill, and as I tried to focus on the highway it hit me: Vertigo. Couldn't track, everything was catching up with me a few seconds too late.  Misery.  Delicious, who had arrived in a crappy, cranky mood to pick me up, immediately put all his irritations aside when he realized how ill I was, and gently shepherded me (at my insistence, it doesn't do me any good to sit still for some reason, I just focus on the dizzy and the misery. At least walking around I can judge how bad it is and not panic) around Harris Teeter in search of good things for dinner.  Thank god I do carry my meds for vertigo with me, but what I'll do when they run out is beyond me. Dramamine and some sort of something or other I guess.  He gently tucked me in on his couch and we watched stupid TV while the marbles in my brain stopped spinning the wrong way round. The anti-nausea meds kicked in and I felt much better by the time dinner was ready, courtesy of Delicious.  But considering I'd suffered through the vertigo for 24 hours, I was just grateful it had ended. UGH!

Sunday, my mom took the kid to the park so Delicious and I had another wonderful couple of hours lounging in a coffee shop, reading the paper. Heaven.  The head of Peace Child was in town, so he came to my house, while Delicious and the kid were there, and I was so glad to have Delicious there. He's a very smart man, and he is worried about the scope of work PC-USA might do. It's overwhelming, and I can't do it on my own.  l need to be very honest with myself about Peace Child, and let that dream go if it's the right thing to do.

I need more work. I need to know where to find work. This is what I'm going to deal with as well as moving forward with the cool assed website.  And filling out job apps. And networking. And and and. Having vertigo attacks, seems about once a week.  Sleep would probably help.

Best moments of the weekend were on Sunday, after I got my head out of my ass and relaxed, remembering that Delicious isn't Serendipity, or Asshole.  I was tense and on edge while we put together an awesome skyscraper, but identified the tension as old ghosts and got over myself.  And Delicious read the kid another chapter of Harry Potter, and at one point I looked around at all the happy screaming to find my son dangling by his feet down the back of this 6' 1" man who has taught me what it means to be truly cared for.

When the kid went to bed, he said to Delicious, "I hope I get to see you very soon." 

Thank god. 


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