Mar. 2nd, 2010

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I'm losing hope that I'm the kind of add that can be medicated to aid focus. I think I'm just FUBAR on this one.  The latest med, Strattera, makes me miserable.  I didn't even wait to ask my doc's permission before I just stopped taking it. UGH. Next, i guess.  But if I can't find a medication that helps manage the chaos of my thoughts, I am going to be useless in an office situation. USELESS.

I am trying to establish an independent contracting sort of lifestyle for myself. God knows I've been happier and calmer since I got canned.  So if you know anyone who needs a content/blog writer, web design or project management, internet online nonprofit communications messaging and strategy type person, let me know.

I've got the go-ahead on the Way Cool Website. not a lot of money but at least it's a really great portfolio piece.  I just have to find more work. And that's difficult. I don't know where to start--a common lament in my ADD panicked head.

I've been eating nothing but bread.  Have to stop that addiction or I'll weight 160 again. Need exercise. need peace. Need my life to make sense.

I think I've had three or four vertigo attacks since I landed in hospital.  Friday night my stomach was miserable, and continued to decline on Saturday.  By the time I got into the car with Delicious, I was seriously ill, and as I tried to focus on the highway it hit me: Vertigo. Couldn't track, everything was catching up with me a few seconds too late.  Misery.  Delicious, who had arrived in a crappy, cranky mood to pick me up, immediately put all his irritations aside when he realized how ill I was, and gently shepherded me (at my insistence, it doesn't do me any good to sit still for some reason, I just focus on the dizzy and the misery. At least walking around I can judge how bad it is and not panic) around Harris Teeter in search of good things for dinner.  Thank god I do carry my meds for vertigo with me, but what I'll do when they run out is beyond me. Dramamine and some sort of something or other I guess.  He gently tucked me in on his couch and we watched stupid TV while the marbles in my brain stopped spinning the wrong way round. The anti-nausea meds kicked in and I felt much better by the time dinner was ready, courtesy of Delicious.  But considering I'd suffered through the vertigo for 24 hours, I was just grateful it had ended. UGH!

Sunday, my mom took the kid to the park so Delicious and I had another wonderful couple of hours lounging in a coffee shop, reading the paper. Heaven.  The head of Peace Child was in town, so he came to my house, while Delicious and the kid were there, and I was so glad to have Delicious there. He's a very smart man, and he is worried about the scope of work PC-USA might do. It's overwhelming, and I can't do it on my own.  l need to be very honest with myself about Peace Child, and let that dream go if it's the right thing to do.

I need more work. I need to know where to find work. This is what I'm going to deal with as well as moving forward with the cool assed website.  And filling out job apps. And networking. And and and. Having vertigo attacks, seems about once a week.  Sleep would probably help.

Best moments of the weekend were on Sunday, after I got my head out of my ass and relaxed, remembering that Delicious isn't Serendipity, or Asshole.  I was tense and on edge while we put together an awesome skyscraper, but identified the tension as old ghosts and got over myself.  And Delicious read the kid another chapter of Harry Potter, and at one point I looked around at all the happy screaming to find my son dangling by his feet down the back of this 6' 1" man who has taught me what it means to be truly cared for.

When the kid went to bed, he said to Delicious, "I hope I get to see you very soon." 

Thank god. 


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